Birth date: Apr 7, 2020 Death date: Apr 7, 2020
A little bit of heaven will be sent from above. A handful of happiness, a heart full of love. The mystery of life, so sacred and sweet. The giver of joy, so deep and complete. Precious and priceless, so lovable too. My world’s swe Read Obituary
Hi love.
I’ve made some major decisions. Some easy peasy and some terrifying.
I think of you every moment and every transition.
I know you aren’t a “baby” but you’re forever a baby to me and I struggle each year as you’re supposed to be aging… with me. Going through the fun parts of life ❤️ And the hard parts. You would be in Kindergarten. Adorable. Writing and learning to read. Growing tall and playing baseball and enjoying gymnastics with Cooley.
Hi my love.
Last night was the first time Rainbow completely understood who you were. It was amazing. She said she wanted to be big and strong and started naming her family members that she wanted to be strong like… like daddy, like mommy, like Sunney, like Roz, like Coo-dee… like Brooks. It was so precious yet so painful. She knows you now. She sees you. But you aren’t here. So it’s bittersweet. It’s so fulfilling but yet an empty space all at the same time.
The Christmas season always reminds me of completion. Being whole. Christmas photos of the entire family including the animals! Fun adventures together and time off from work. The lights and carols! Decorating the house and wrapping gifts… It’s the hot cocoa and warm cider to remind us that even in the coldest season there’s warmth and cuddles and love… but I have to be creative. Because I will never be complete. You will always hold space in my soul just for you. My Brooks. My little boy that isn’t here. I’ll always reach for you and dream of you and cry for you and ache to love you in this physical realm.
But until we are together again, I’ll be the best mom I can be and find you in the beautiful rain drops or snowfall or sunrise/sunset or heartbreak or joy. Be it a candle, a song, a stuffed animal, a photo, a necklace, a t-shirt or whatever other memorial keepsakes I create, I’ll always find you. And I’ll always hold you as close as I can.
I miss you.
With you always,
Mama
This year was hard.
How does a person miss someone they only had for 23 min? I miss the weight of you that will never grow bigger. I miss the eyes I didn’t get to really see. I miss the voice that will never scream “Mommy” a million times a day like a typical toddler. I miss the soothing that I will never give you if you’re scared or sick. I miss telling you to share or that you’re a rockstar. I miss all the drawings or projects that I’d have no idea where to put.
I miss everything, all at once.
It doesn’t help that I’m lonely. All my children yet sometimes I feel completely alone in my grief. Am I doing this right? The grieving? Or am I’m just always on the edge of tears and sadness?
God is so good. He pulls me out every time. Every single time. But I miss you so.
The new website is beautiful.
It’s been 5 years.
Too long and too short all at once. You would be starting kindergarten in August. You would be about 40lbs and nearly 4 ft tall I’m assuming, similar to your big bro. You would be silly or serious or happy or helpful or greedy or curious or just everything perfect all mixed into a bundle of joy. You would be you. And I would be over the moon.
I’m over the moon now, but some days it feels wrong. Then I remember it’s ok to be happy without you here.
I get gentle, loving reminders of you all the time… when the sun shines on my face like in the hospital, or I plant flowers and they grow or a cardinal eats from the bird feeder. I feel your love in my heart when I’m alone and when I’m busy.
I would give my life for you to be with your siblings. Here. But I know you all will be together in one place one day.
We love you and celebrate you always.
Sunshine Von is here.
I waited a bit this time… let reality sink in. It’s one thing to have a girl, but another little boy?? Something happened this pregnancy that only God himself could orchestrate- I found a bit of joy. It felt like a betrayal to feel something as deep as joy. How could I have joy when my son is in heaven and I have given birth to another son? How can my heart divide or truly give the affection to both? To all?
Yet, in the possibilities of who he will be and everything that you are… I found joy.
Joy in being mother to all of you. Each one with your own personality and attributes and purposes for the world.
It’s ok. Breathe. Ground.
I was chosen to be mother to you all. And joy is ok to feel, anger is ok to feel, everything is ok to feel… as long as I feel it. Let it wash over me (whichever emotion it may be). Let it be present and then slowly send it out. And what’s left?
Me. And I am home.
Thank you son.
I love you fiercely.
With you,
Mommy
Hey lil bro,
It's been a while since you left our world. I love you no matter what❣️️❣️️ I'm sad that Sunny will never be able to see you🥺😞❤️🩹
But I know that you will never be physically here, but spiritually you're still here💓💓❤️💗❤️🩹❤️🩹💞💞
Tomorrow Rainbow is 2. It’s been two years since her arrival.
How would you and her play? How would she look at you? And what would you call her? Would she even be here if you weren’t?
I think of you everyday. I feel shame when I smile and then joy knowing I’ll see you again. But it isn’t the same or at least it doesn’t feels that way. I wanted you in this lifetime. With me. Now.
I see you in my happiness and my sadness. I see you in the sky and behind my eyelids when I fall asleep. I love you. In this life and the next.
Well… she’s here. Your baby sister is 6 weeks old. All my anger balled into my stomach and created the most beautiful little girl with your spirit wrapped all around her. She is fire and ice. She is the Air that you didn’t have.
She is a promise of no more death and division. Her name is Rainbow and that’s what she is. I see you in her and I see her eyes shine when she’s alone as though you’re playing with her.
But I miss you. Just differently now. Not as angry. Because life is balance, life and death. Life does not erase death, but it does balance the unbearable space of emptiness. Death is not the end.
I will be your mother and her mother and their mother without feeling pulled in every direction… I am learning that it is one in the same just different. Different is ok. I can do different.
I love you fiercely.
With you,
Mommy
I thought I could just keep going. Fake it a bit. Focus on your siblings and just keep cleaning, moving, working and studying.
But I’m so angry. All this time and I’m still so very angry. And I miss you. I remember every detail and smell and feel. I don’t want to ever forget but I’m so angry.
There’s no such thing as moving on. You just keep going.
But I’m so different now. I love harder but less often. My tolerance doesn’t exist. I hate easier too. I never knew hate before and now I know it well. I try to pray but there’s no room around my angry… she’s big and dark and fiery and in control.
One day I will overcome her… but I don’t want to… because then what??
Acceptance??
Never.
I’m still trying but I’m not there.
I’m not anywhere.
I am in that hospital room with you... bright lights, troubled heart, completely vulnerable and shaking with fear... what I wouldn’t give to go back. To welcome you with music and love and verses and prayers. To show you what was worth fighting for... what was yours to have.
Come back to me, please.
I’m not going to ever sleep again or laugh again or be fully present again without feelings of pain, shame, doubt and disappointment. I shoulda, woulda, but only could do my best.
